putting on the same clothes as yesterday

July 2nd. 

Today I felt very bleak. I told my boss all about my worries, and Ruth and my mother. I am very scared. To feel better, I’m going to scrapbook. 

These are a few scraps that I have picked up while traveling. Maybe they were from Ann Arbor, or from Zaragoza, or from Madrid, or Barcelona, or they are from other times. I hope that I remember when I look at them later. 

I’m playing the movie Z, but I found it a tad uninteresting and have left it on in the background. I am editing my Europe video, and later I will start an “uncut” version of my senior year video. When I made our graduation slide show, I had to cut out everything from our trip to Lake Huron, because it included some people outside of our friend group, who would not be at graduation dinner. It will be nice to look back at my year while I’m far away from everyone, missing them. It’s only been two months since college ended.

I started to realize that with the rise of AI, and the impossibility of the job market, there is more incentive to make my art. Most of it is about me, anyway. So if I don’t, no one will. It kind of takes my mind off everything, but also not really.

I have to go to the gym eleven more times to make my money back. I calculated 24 times would equate to $5 a trip. I bought a gym membership the first day of the summer. When I went in, the front desk lady was very interested in my California I.D. card. I guess not a lot of foreigners have memberships at that gym. I need to make good use of it, even though I am out of town all the time.

I’m a little confused by this movie. I found it on Nico’s watchlist. I copy him a lot.

The department stores have long been vacant. Boutiques will bring in seasonal clothing that will never be bought. Garbage will pile on the rocks of beaches. They will stick to your body as you swim. You will kick at baguettes which line the dumpsters behind restaurants. Pig legs will rot, and you will throw away the lettuce you purchased last week. There is so much excess, and there is scarcity as well. 

I wonder if they have anyone in particular to feed, or to clothe, when they produce these commodities. They have you in mind when they throw them away. 

Field Notes for the end of June:

This week, I was working remotely, and I traveled to Barcelona to see my friend and his boyfriend (Vincent and Pol). Both of them work from home, so it was a productive trip, and I was able to send in my first grad school application! I’m very happy that I crossed that off my to-do list. Also, Pol grew up in Spain and my friend spent the fall semester here in Barcelona, so they took me around to places they knew well. It was nice to get to know the city through their perspective. 

In terms of the work that I am doing on, I finished the website, and started to work on more administrative things. This week was rather slow since my boss was also not in the office, but next week I assume there will be much more to do.

I really enjoyed getting to know Pol, because they explained the Spanish political system in detail. We discussed the far right parties emerging in France and Germany, as well as other EU countries, and the implications of these groups taking power in the greater context of geopolitics. We talked about how Spain has had decent foreign policy in terms of their stance on Palestine, which led me to ask about other parts of Spain’s history, because I was not very familiar with it. Pol explained to me the Catalan independence movement, as well as Franconian politics and the terrible civil war in the mid 20th century. He talked about how the tax system works in Spain, and how the Spanish government does not support Catalunya becoming its own country because that would take away a lot of key funding from coastal cities. This creates a resentment from Catalans, which Pol relates to, because he knows that Barcelona brings in a lot of money through tourism and it is not well distributed back to the citizens of Barcelona. He also told me what it was like for his family growing up in the repressive era of Franco, which gave me further context for the book I am reading for this class, A Long Petal of the Sea by Isabel Allende.

We also talked about the Supreme Court decisions that happened this weekend, and what they may look like once implemented. Chevron, and Johnson. I am honestly not feeling very good about it, and I am especially scared of what criminalizing homelessness will look like where I’m from in the Bay Area. It is very sad, honestly. 

July 3rd.

I have to make a to-do list, because I just started a million tasks and I am not organized to finish any of them, but the cleaning lady is coming so I don’t want to be embarrassed. The first two times she cleaned my room, she covered my cigarettes with a book, or with my pens, and I felt bad that she had to see that. It’s so common to smoke here, but I still feel shy about her going into my space. I didn't ask for the cleaning lady, she comes with the apartment. The rent for my room in this three bedroom one bath is 500 U.S. dollars, and that is included. Apparently, that’s expensive for Zaragoza. Does that make me a gentrifier? Or does that make Idealista something like RealPage? Hm…

LIST

I really don’t feel like reading into politics today. I’m giving myself a break because I had a total breakdown yesterday. Maybe today I’ll go to Mango and buy these striped shorts I tried on a few weeks ago, and haven’t stopped thinking about. They’d be perfect for pride! 

My interview with ECAM is on Friday. I’m praying that it goes well and I earn a spot. 

July 5th

I’m in Madrid on my own, having a bagel while Gerri is at work. Tonight we’re going to a parade, then tomorrow we have more pride festivities and a DJ in the evening. I’m really excited, but I have a lot that I need to tell you.

I am so, so deeply confused. I have so much to figure out, and I don’t really know where to try, or where to begin. I definitely want to do film, but as time goes on I have less of an idea what that looks like. I wonder where the fuck I’ll end up, because the closer I think I get to a realization, I end up just dropping it and wanting something completely different. Nothing is sticking. 

I’m thinking maybe I just have to give up, and go home. I want to leave the U.S., I want a large community, and I want to make some sort of difference. I want to be calm. I am sooo melodramatic. I want to be independent, I want to do something political. I want to learn more. I do not want to be depressed. I want to be happy. I want love in my life, and I want my friends. I want to be self-sufficient. I thought I wanted to run away, but I do not want to be lonely. Why does it feel like I have to be extremely radical each time I make a choice? Like, now that the interview for ECAM is over, I’m like, let me check out volunteer programs in Peru…

I have yet to see someone’s life that I actually admire and enjoy enough to copy. I have yet to come across a story that I want to follow, and maybe that’s a good thing? I don’t fucking know. 

Barcelona is better than Madrid so far. I thought it was the opposite, but now I’m not so sure. 

I think that I have the right philosophies because I challenge myself an adequate amount. That was something that just popped in my head, but it is incomplete. I am not in a good mood.

A girl and a guy are holding onto each other walking. One of them looks like evil Madrid Cousin Jacob Elordi and the other has a white and blue china print strapless sundress. They’re further into the forest now. I’m at el Parque del Retiro. It might be their first time traveling together, or they could be from here. They were beautiful but unfashionable, and they looked a lot happier than me.

Whenever I think I’ve never been more depressed, another time comes to prove me wrong and one up me. It is a horrible feeling to be upset in a park, laying on grass, sweating in clothing that is barely covering my body. I can’t shake it and I needed to say something.

Someone has a cat on a leash next to me. She’s very small and skinny. It made me smile, and feel a little better.

I lied and told Matthew that I was writing something new, and that’s the last thing we talked about. He hardly gave me a response, and then I felt stupid for lying. I have not started anything fictional since Argentina.

The longer time passes, the more the abandonment settles in. I wish it would sink to the bottom finally, so that I can stop feeling sad about him everyday. Not letting go is hurting me.

I thought of Spain as an escape to the feeling, even though I won’t fully admit to that being my motivation for coming here. It was one small factor.

I was holding really high expectations for ECAM and Madrid, but now that I have lived here and gotten a taste of what my future could look like, I think that there is nothing that could satisfy me. I need to look inwards.

July 8th

I just applied for a job at Nondescript Location LLC. I am pretty certain that I need to work for a nonprofit and maybe do more independent film work, because the world is scary and I am afraid. I am applying to jobs in Oakland/Sacramento or even Los Angeles, because I probably have a better chance of helping the state I am familiar with. Then, I will maybe get a Masters in History. I have been thinking about the London School of Economics, because Vincent Bevins went there. I think that everyday I feel confused.

I’m leaving in ten days. Isn’t that insane? I had a good summer. Obviously an emotional one, but I think that was bound to happen.

I saw a tweet that was like, don’t run away. Fight for your country. Patria o muerte, I guess. I need to maintain my momentum, it seems.

Scan? Then trace.